Domestic Violence: Why Doesn't She Just LEAVE????

"Why doesn't she just leave????" During my time as a therapist in a domestic violence shelter that was one of the more common questions I was asked by friends, family and co-workers of the victim. It was asked with agonizing frustration for the situation, and often, for the woman being abused. On a societal level, that frustration can turn into intolerance to the suffering: "If a woman is too dumb or lazy to leave her abuser then she gets what's coming to her" or "If she can't leave for her kids, then someone should take them away from her. She's an unfit mother." Notice how the criticism becomes much more harsh when the situation is depersonalized and the victim is nameless? These are all statements I have heard during my experience in DV work.


Is the question, though, unfair? I come from the camp that no question is unfair when real answers are being sought. Of course it is heart-wrenching to watch someone walk back to her abuser. Many times I've hung my head low in worry, self-reproach (could I have done more?) and down-right anger when a woman chooses to stay. Whenever ever I feel this way, I must remind myself why women stay. Hopefully, by reminding myself here with you today I'll also be able to answer the question for you.


Bottom line: leaving is a process, not an event. My friends at Transitions Global who work with survivors of sexual slavery talk about rescue being a process and not an event. Leaving an abuser is very much a self-rescue. Others can provide shelter, support and safety but it is the woman and her own sense of empowerment that will finally walk away. Indeed, 75% of women who experience abuse will leave their abuser. The nature of intimate partner violence, however, often makes that a prolonged departure. 


Anyone who asks why a woman doesn't simply leave is equating "leaving" with "safety." Unfortunately, this is not the case. Risk of homicide increases during the first two months after a woman leaves her abuser by as much as 75%. Simply put, threats of "I'll kill you if you leave me" are not idle threats. Even when the abuse does not result in murder, a full 70% of all injuries due to domestic violence occur AFTER a separation. Remember, a woman who has been abused has become skilled in her own survival. She can read a change in the air that most of us might never see. She has become acute in her observational skills which is directly related to her own ability to survive.


And it is not only her survival that she is ensuring. While on the surface it would appear that the only way to protect a child from harm is to remove him or her from the violent environment. Abusers often use children as tools in their system of abuse. Fathers who batter mothers are twice as likely to seek sole custody as non-abusive fathers. Even when women have successfully retained their children, they have been subject to financial abuse and isolation from friends and family which makes a successful departure often impossible. A full 50% of homeless women and children are on the streets because of violence in the home.


Among these statistics and facts, I have not even begun to account for the psychological toll that abuse takes on the victim. She has been forced to believe in her powerlessness, her worthlessness and her shame. When I meet with a woman for the very first time, I say to her: "I am so glad you are here. I am amazed at your strength to continue surviving. How do you do it?" In that, she can perhaps begin to see her story anew. She does have power and choice. If she chooses to stay, then who am I to take the power of that choice away from her? She understands better than I how to survive in her life in that moment. By honoring that choice, we have perhaps begun the process of her departure.

If you or someone you know needs help:

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence 

(for help anywhere in the country)

Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence 

(for help in Colorado)

Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence 

(for help in Boulder and Broomfield counties in Colorado)